(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
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went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]