My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
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“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.