Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
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The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.