Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
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Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet