*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
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(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best