saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
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Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Sing it!
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.