Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
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wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep