Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
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“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
good for her
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.