interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
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[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.