Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
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Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever