Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
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If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
#dnd #ttrpg
Taliband
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.