[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
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Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Whisper out to librarians!
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
me irl
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*