Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
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Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant