My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
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“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
But is it really??
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
…żyje?
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.