GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
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“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Merry Christmas
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.