Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
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A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
My blood type is coffee.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.