mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
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You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.