911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
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My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it