America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
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Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
What
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.