Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
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When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
When my kids ask me anything before coffee