it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
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My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.