It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
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Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.