My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
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My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Good morning.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.