Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
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In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
79.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going