Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
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I’ll be mad as hell!
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000