WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
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I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
i actually laughed 😩
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.