Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
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Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
#TopTip
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes