We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
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It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”