Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
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Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.