[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
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[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer