Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
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My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Important reminders
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.