Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
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My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.