Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
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me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
<- sleeps well with others
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Meme Monday.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.