Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
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181.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there