me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
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I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
prepare for carbonated trouble
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?