Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
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Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
smartest karate player in the world
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT