Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
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Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
⛄️
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.