Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
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I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”