Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
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If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.