There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
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cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.