Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
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“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.