I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
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This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Squirrels before girls.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
two people or more is called a problem
This fish is cracking me up
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through