Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
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We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.