*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
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The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Dune (2021)
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]