Light as a feather, smorg as a board
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Comparing yourself to others
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.