Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
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“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank