Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
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*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
bro what is going on at twitter
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!