Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
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Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
why no one uses midhusbands
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked