Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON