The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
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[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
plums roundup
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
the #horror is real!
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.